Analyzing the First Draft- Scene 1- Against the Red Sky Book 2

An excerpt from the first draft of scene 1- Against the Red Sky Book 2

We never should have been here, and now we'll die here.

Enzo shook the thought out of his head as he gripped the pane of glass, carefully lining it up with the frame, hoping for the satisfying click that let him know it would stay. Sardeth was counting on them to die here, but first, he'd ensure that frame by honeycombed frame, they'd risk their lives shaping the future playground of the rich, building a refuge from a dying world where the poor were left behind to fight for scraps. Everyone here risked their life because, to Sardeth, prisoners were disposable, and Sardeth had won. [KI1]

No click. Enzo fought to claw the pane of glass out again and reposition it.

"Come on, boy, can't you go any faster?" Irving held out his free hand, the other clinging to the ladder, waiting impatiently for the panel. Irving didn't want the foreman's attention, and neither did Enzo.

He found the groove and set the glass, passing it carefully up to Irving. These thick plates and the state-of-the-art air system that would come in behind them, would shield humanity's frailty against the harshness of the Martian atmosphere. Together it would allow this dome to support the tropical flora that would be grown and nurtured here. Enzo wondered how long any of it would last. He whirled around to fetch the next panel, but Tom didn't have the strength to hold it out, it sagged. Enzo had to take a few steps out from his workstation to get a good grip. Precious time wasted. They'd never make quota at this rate. He searched behind Tom's face shield, trying to connect with his eyes, but Tom looked away. He hadn't said two words since breakfast.

That was the problem with this place, one of them. It sucked the life out of everyone, and this work site was terrible with its sterile white and steel but the worst was the silence. Their helmets kept them alive in the alien atmosphere, but also muted every sound, even a crashing ladder on the other side of the room sounded like the smallest ping. Enzo longed for the chaos of a training day on the beach with Mai and the rest of Terra Primera shouting all around. He hadn't thought he'd ever want that again after she'd tried to kill him, but anything would be better than this prolonged execution.

Enzo set the glass into the panel and passed it over to Irving, then swung back for the next panel. Tom had only drilled one hole in the time he usually drilled four. He'd never been the fastest, but this was becoming a problem. Enzo sat back, giving him a minute to hopefully catch up. Enzo had hated Tom when he'd first met him on the bus to Mars Ascendance Academy. Tom had tried to expose Enzo for not belonging and had successfully exposed Maddie to everyone as Sardeth's niece and Dr. Vivien Westing's daughter, making them all think that she hadn't worked her way there. But none of that meant he deserved to die here.

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Read the rest of this scene and my analysis of whether it includes the key elements of scene structure on my free Substack Scene Craft: (4) Against the Red Sky Book 2

Scene Craft is for writers interested in learning more about what makes a scene work, and for readers interested in seeing how a draft comes together. Come on over and watch me sweat on the page as I lay the first draft bare.